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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
flamebusy
bladespark
I am about ready to yeet the kid out the window. We *had* a sleep schedule for a while, I swear. We do not now. Bleh.

Also, I peeled my finger while peeling potatoes last night, and typing is a pain because of the bandage. I am not looking forward to changing the bandage on it.

I am not looking forward to much. The future right now is full of awful things that I don't want to deal with.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1529773.html.

Another Kids Are Weird sci-fi story.
flamebusy
bladespark
These are way too fun to writeCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1529352.html.

I must be a masochist...
flamebusy
bladespark
...or I wouldn't like so many sadists.

(Oh my *god* my local girlfriend just pulled the WORST POSSIBLE PRANK. Although it's not entirely a prank, it's half serious. Such a sadist.)

While I'm writing, I need to get back on a posting schedule, so kinda for my info, but whatever:
Monday: Patreon
Tuesday: AO3
Wednesday: Fimfic
Thursday: Sofurry and Furaffinity
Friday: artwork variously
Saturday: Fetlife
Sunday: nowhere I guess?

The true madness of this content production schedule is that for the time being, at least, each of these locations is getting completely different content from the others, so I'm posting unique (mostly) new content six days a week. That won't last, of course, but it'll last a month or two, at least.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1529181.html.

More HFY/kids are weird story stuff.
flamebusy
bladespark
I've been lurking about the HFY reddit community now. It actually seems like a nice bunch, overall. I feel...mildly wary about the gun-nut segment that's encouraged by the types of stories told, as that kind of thing attracts right-wing fruit loops, but I'm "out" there as transgender and so far everyone's been very nice.

The stories are definitely fun! I wrote another one.

Saber-toothed LickerCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1529048.html.

Economic privileges and priorities.
flamebusy
bladespark
We had absolutely perfect timing today.

Everything's been blooming early this year. Irises are already in full bloom, tulips are going and nearly gone, daffodils are merely a memory, and the rhododendrons are at the end of things too, down here in the valley at least. So I had the thought that strawberries would probably be early this year, and we should start checking the farmer's market.

Today was the first day we made it there. Today was the first day that our favorite farm had strawberries. We bought an entire flat. They didn't have a special flat price posted, they don't this early, but they gave us a discount anyway, because they recognized us from last year as "those crazy people who eat a flat of strawberries every week between two adults and a toddler."

We do. We each get one pint a day, and let me tell you, eating a whole pint of fresh local strawberries as dessert (I sometimes have them for breakfast!) for weeks and weeks on end is absolutely no trouble on any front. :D

But today's flat cost us $50, and the "pints" weren't even quite all the way full. Early berries. There aren't many yet, and they sell out almost instantly anyway (we got there half an hour after the market opened and they were already running low) so they don't fill the pints and they charge $5 per, and I can't blame 'em, I'd do exactly the same. In a week or two the pints will be heaped over the top and the price will come down, but it's still likely to be $40 a flat for most of the summer.

And we'll do that, every week, for the whole time they're available, though once blueberries come on, we'll swap to half flats so my husband can still eat strawberries but I can switch to blueberries instead. Comes out to the same price, though.

I recognize that the ability to do that is something many people don't have.

It's something I didn't always have. I can remember when it felt like insanity to buy just one or two pints at those "ridiculous" prices. (I can remember being in college in the late 90's and having a $10 a week food budget. Even for back then, that was crazy. The most expensive thing I ever bought was store-brand cheddar, and 100% of my "meat" was actually eggs, I couldn't afford meat. I lived on mac-n-cheese and ramen soup with an egg cracked in, and off-brand bags of cereal. Good old Marshmallow Mateys.) I think it's really great that we're finally in a financial position where we can treat ourselves like that on a regular basis.

We're still maybe not as well off as that makes us look, though, because we put our priorities in funny places, compared to some people. I drive a paid for car that's got 200k miles on it. It's a giant honking Land Cruiser and it's ridiculous for an around town car, but it doesn't cost us much, even considering the awful gas mileage, so we'll stick with it until it stops running. I seldom buy new clothes. (We're going to the ballet today. My mother in law texted me to ask if I needed babysitting so I could go to the store and buy a new outfit to wear for it, because of course I'd be buying a new outfit to go to the ballet in! Lol. No.) When I do, it's almost always on sale, and frequently from a thrift store. We bulk cook and make homemade freezer meals rather than buying TV dinners. We pinch our pennies in any number of other ways. And then we blow fifty bucks so we can have perfect, fresh, ripe strawberries.

Priorities. :3

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1528658.html.

Okay, then.
flameangry
bladespark
Made a post on Fetlife about my insecurity about feeling masculine, almost instantly got somebody all "Well hello, handsome" in my inbox.

When I never get anybody in my inbox.

Way to make it obvious that you read me pointing out a vulnerability and you instantly were on it like a shark on chum. You look like a predator, dude.

And maybe I wouldn't think that if it were a gay guy or a straight girl or anybody non-binary in any way, but he was a straight man, and I'm a trans man, so I am thinking he's bullshit in any case, the timing/phrasing was just the decorative little rabbit raisin on the shit cake.

Ugh.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1528440.html.

Representation.
flamebusy
bladespark
Somebody, I swear here on DW but I can't find the entry anywhere, recently linked me to a comic titled O, Human Star. It is fantastic! Just as a story, it's fantastic, but it also had a moment, one of those incredibly rare moments where a character said something about who they were and how they felt about it, and I went "Oh, that's me!" Here's said moment. I suppose it could be counted a spoiler, but it's a side character whose personal revelation is only tangential to the main plot.

In any case, I find it almost sad, but also quite interesting, how deeply this struck me. It's a partial explanation from a background character in an obscure comic, and still it felt like the world shifted under my feet, because somebody else out there felt like me. Not even precisely like me, just very close to me, and yet...

I've had "that's me!" moments before, of course. But mostly they were of a different sort. For example frequently I find silly nerd-couple comics like Curtailed feel very "me" in certain interactions, in certain ways one half of a nerd-couple may behave. They're little personality-based "lol, so me!" moments, and I think everybody experiences those.

But I'm not sure everyone experiences the "Oh my god, that's me" moment. Before I began exploring and understanding my gender identity, I never did. Now maybe that's because I just never saw me in media at all. I mean..."tomboy" characters are all over media, but none of them clicked for me. I wasn't like them, really. And who else would I be like? Feminine characters? Hah! Men? Well...actually that's what I came much closer to identifying with, to be honest, but it wasn't a conscious awareness. I certainly didn't watch any movies starring male heroes and go "YES, ME!" They very obviously weren't me, they're just who I tended to sort of...default to in my fictional imagination. (I even have dreamed myself as male in many dreams for all my life. I used to think that didn't mean anything in particular...)

Do straight, cis, white people watch media and consciously identify with the characters? I'm not sure. I never did when I thought of myself that way. I think "people who share my identity" is just too all-pervasive, too everywhere, for any one character to draw notice or feel like that means anything for folks who are in majority groups like that. So you'd just get the little personality moments, but no identity based moments. (Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I don't think so.)

But when you're a minority group, and suddenly, unexpectedly, there's the "you" that you never see, right there in front of your eyes, saying or doing things that you never see anybody say or do, it strikes deep.

I think the me of ten or twenty years ago could never have fully gotten why school children were bused to see Black Panther. I don't think I'd have been annoyed or upset to find out that was a thing that happened, just vaguely puzzled. Why would kids need to see a silly superhero movie just because it had black people in it? Why would that matter so much that there would be programs and charities to make it happen? I wouldn't have "gotten" it. I get it now, though.

Of course this is a side character in an obscure web comic. I've never seen anybody like me star in a major, mainstream, Hollywood, Disney production. We're still at a point where "gay man who only says he is gay but doesn't do anything more than maybe hold hands" as a minor background character is considered daring in a major motion picture. (Which is dumb and sad, and we should be long past that by now, for fuck's sake, but here we are.) The point where "trans person" turns up at all in a blockbuster is probably a ways off, and a trans person starring in one further off still. Somebody occupying a non-binary trans space as a main starring character in a major mainstream picture that's not a tragic trans-centered drama*? I don't know. I don't know if that'll ever happen, to be honest.

I hope it does someday, but I may not live to see it.

*I have negative interest, anti-interest, I am actively opposed to watching gut-wrenching movies about the awfulness of the trans experience. Or the awfulness of the gay experience, or whatever. If I wanted "awfulness of this" stuff, I just have to spend a while thinking about my own goddam family. I don't need to watch that in my fiction. What I want is the trans Black Panther, the trans Captain Marvel, where somebody who is trans, and yes that matters, nevertheless does other things and has other issues, interests, and adventures. Black Panther's blackness matters, he is not just another Marvel guy painted black, but Black Panther does things other than experience racial prejudice. Captain Marvel does things other than experience sexism against women. I want trans stories where trans people live lives and have adventures and maybe there's some side moment of "fuck the haters" but seriously, I REALLY do not want to ever, ever, ever, ever watch what's available right now for "trans" movies, because holy shit they are awful and depressing and like all the worst bits of my own real life only more so, and why the fuck would I want to watch that? That they exist for cis people to see the trans experience is great, I guess, but I am noping out SO HARD on ever watching Boys Don't Cry.

P.S. I keep editing this, but really... "It's a movie about a person like me! Who gets brutally raped and murdered for being a person like me!" WHY WOULD I WANT THAT? Somebody once actually told me I should watch it because trans and I was all "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?" at them. I think it would give me nightmares worse than watching Gremlins when I was six, but for the same reason. My Gremlins nightmares were all about the kitchen scene, where murderous monsters were in a kitchen like my kitchen and therefore my own actual kitchen might maybe have murderous monsters in it. I know my real trans life does have potential murderous monsters in it, and why the fuck would I ever want to watch that?

I don't understand people sometimes, I really don't. "You'd like this, it's about transness!" just.... ?????? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I wouldn't.

Okay, I think I'm done adding to this now.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1528143.html.

I had panang curry today.
flamebusy
bladespark
I've been eating a lot of Thai curry lately (to the point where I used to have no spice tolerance, but now solely from eating curry I'm to the point where "medium" spicy is barely hot to me) but I'd passed on the panang every time because a.) it had lime leaves in it, which didn't sound apetizing? And b.) the local place only put green beans in it, and I liked a variety of veggies better. But today I decided to give it a go, as I'd had the other kinds a few times each now.

Oh.
My.
God.

It was SO GOOD. It was just amazing. AMAZING.

The lime leaves were a strange texture, and I'm not super a fan of that, but the flavor was just wonderful. I think I'd still like it with a few things other than just green beans? I need to see if some of the other Thai places around here do it, and if they put different things in it.

It's so fucking good.

Alas, food does not heal all things.

I had a bit of a meltdown earlier today. Life has been stressful in the extreme, and I kinda yelled at my husband, which is not great. I didn't yell at him about him, but even yelling at him about somebody else is still not ideal? I apologized, but gods I am so damn stressed right now.

I had my day off, and had amazing curry, and saw my girlfriend, and it was just enough to get me back to vaguely sane, but not to actually rested. I need more down time, but I won't get it until flipping September, when the kiddo starts preschool. It's ridiculous how much I'm looking forward to that. Though I have to potty train her first, and of course she's being a butt about that. Sigh. Oh well. It'll all work out somehow, I'm sure. Just... ugh.

At least I had good curry. My life is held together in a shambling mess of barely functional by such moments.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1528041.html.

It never ends.
flamebusy
bladespark
Still tired.

So tired.

That has been my primary mental and physical state for the last four or five years.

Today is especially bad, and not even on sleep-related reasons, I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed by life and I'm almost tempted to bail out on something really fun tomorrow because maybe that's just too much. But I really want to go. Ugh.

I hate this. I hate it so much.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1527766.html.

Today is it spring
flamebusy
bladespark
It's been spring for a while. Warm weather arrived early this year, and we honestly are very late getting things planted and such. Fortunately much of the garden is perennial, most of my herbs, the raspberries, the blueberries, so it's only the tomatoes and basil that we have to put in every year.

They're all in the ground now, and we did at least get well-established plants, so we shouldn't be too delayed, though I'll probably end up buying farmer's market tomatoes and basil at least once before we get any I can use.

Also my rosemary is blooming! I should take pictures. They're very pretty little flowers.

I'd meant to repot it into a bigger container this year, but just... bleh. Time, energy, etc. and now I suspect it's too late and I'd do it some harm repotting now, you're supposed to do that while it's dormant if you can. I think. I am far from an expert.

The parsley is leafing out, and I trimmed all last year's dead stems. The sage is doing the same, though its harder to trim, it just drops leaves, it doesn't let the stems die back. The rosemary, as I said, is doing great, I *really* need to re-pot it next year, it's already huge for the container it's in. The thyme looks a little yellow, we forgot to fertilize until today, so that might be related? Maybe it'll perk up now. But it's spread a ton, it's in the pot with the rosemary, and it's creeping over its feet a bit now. Which is another reason why I should have repotted them apart already, but oh well.

I love gardening. I'm actively bad at it. I kill things. But tomatoes and herbs are relatively hardy (they seem to do pretty well being mostly forgotten about for long stretches) and I just love the sense of connecting to plants, nature, the earth, etc. If I believed in elemental alignments (I don't, but still) I would definitely be Earth. I'm terrified of heights and I need that connection, whether through gardening or hiking, or whatever else, regularly. (With just a dash of fire. And most of my family or origin is water, as is the goober child, who is obsessed with the stuff and adores swimming, which I merely tolerate for her sake.)

Now I am relaxing with a cider and getting a little bit of sewing done while watching Youtube videos, which is also good! Productive yet still relaxing weekends FTW.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1527369.html.