June 13th, 2002

flamebusy

A little lower than the angels.

Just to let you know, the following random ramble talks about sex in a few places, so if that bothers you, don't read on. (It's this therapy thing again, I kind of want to talk this over with myself out loud as it were.)

Right. Last night somebody called me an innocent, and I had a rather mixed reaction to it. I readily confess to being a virgin, and I'm honestly 90% glad I am. (The other 10% just keeps wondering what it's really like and not wanting to wait to find out...) I have certain moral standards, which include not having sex before I'm married, and I fully intend on sticking to that. But... well, there's a big fat "but" in there, because when it comes right down to it, being a virgin just means there's one specific thing you haven't done. Sometimes when someone calls me an innocent, I get the feeling they're looking down on me (thought that's not the case last night, but still) because I don't have the experience they do. People equate innocence with a kind of naive stupidity. I don't like that, being condescended to is not fun, no matter the reason, and the truth is that thanks to a few not so happy things in my past I don't consider myself to be all that innocent. I'm not going to spill the sordid tale all over, but suffice it to say that I've done things and had things done to me that don't exactly equal innocence, and there's times when it REALLY bugs me to have somebody act like I'm too sweet and naive to understand... *sigh* It happened when I was a missionary so often I was about ready to hit the next person who treated me that way. (People equate female missionaries with nuns I've discovered.)

To sum this up, I know enough to get those kind of jokes, and I'm still innocent enough to blush when I do. *grin* Halfway between heaven and hell, part angel, part demon, and what am I going to do? I just don't want to be condecended to just because there's one specific thing that I've never done myself. Maybe I'd be better off if I was a true innocent, but I'm not, so don't treat me like one.
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flamebusy

Second thoughts

Every now and then I get one of these more rantage-type rambles posted and then I look at it and go "Why on earth did I just say that where all the world can see?" So I thought I'd add a bit of an after-note to the below rantings, as some of the things I said may be misconstrued.

First off, I'm not saying that innocence is a bad thing. I know only one true innocent over the age of 16, and he's pretty much the nicest guy I've ever met. I've learned a lot of good lessons, and gained at least a little wisdom from my experiences, but if I had any of it to do over again, I'd choose differently, and be a little more innocent myself, let me tell you!

The real point of all of that was simply this: I had the topic on my mind because of a comment, and I kept being reminded of all the times people have looked down on me and acted like I was somehow stupid, that I somehow didn't understand anything at all about sex just because I hadn't gone "all the way" yet. And I wanted to let off a little steam on the subject. So I did, so I have, and so I hope I haven't made anybody think I want you all to start sending me porn or something weird like that. *grin* I'll hang on to whatever innocence I've got left as long as I can, thanks.