December 20th, 2018

flamebusy

Still here, shouting into the void

Seems like some people are coming back to DW/LJ after Tumblr's latest idiocy. I never blogged on Tumblr really, I had an account and I sometimes posted, but I never got much traction there and I certainly didn't share much personal stuff.

So what's going on in my life lately?

Well...

Aheh...

Lots, most of it bad.

The good first, though! I have two new books out this year. Been a while since that happened! But it'll be happening a lot going forward, I'm really concentrating on my original writing these days.

If you'd like to check them out, you can find them anywhere e-books are sold. Here's the Amazon links for the lazy, though.

Stallion Assassin

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme

They are both gay romances, and both contain some explicit content, though they are very much romances rather than porn.

I am also running a Patreon these days, which is writing focused. I occasionally post drawings too, but most of it is stories. All my fanfiction is posted there first, and I regularly post excerpts of things I'm working on for publication as well, many months or even years ahead of when anybody else gets to see them. Plus the occasional complete exclusive story, though I'm not sure that latter tier is really working out, I might try to come up with some other reward. I don't have enough patrons to really justify promising to never, ever ever get income from a given story anywhere else. Someday, I hope!

I need to network about my writing more, I think. That's always been something I'm kind of bad at. I am not a socially graceful person, and I am not naturally outgoing. It's a handicap when one is in a career where one must self-advertise to succeed.

In less happy news, the winter slump is hitting me hard this year. I was starting to slide down into the SADs by like... September. Bleh. So I am seriously wallowing around in the pit of despair by now. I'm looking forward to Solstice, at least. It's very important for me to have that bastion against the dark in the worst time.

Personal stuff is happening too. I've been reluctant to talk about it, because it's so damn complicated, but my mother is dying. Condolences for that come in two flavors. The usual, that assumes a loving family that I'll miss immensely, and the abuse-aware, that assumes abusive parents I'm glad to escape. But I have a loving family I was glad to escape. So both kinds just feel wrong and don't really address my actual emotions about this in any way whatsoever.

What does the cuckoo feel for the sparrow who raised it? What does a changeling feel for its human parents? They did the best they could, but they're not the same species, even. I feel that way about my family. They're all straight, neurotypical suburbanites, living in a world that revolves entirely around a super conservative religion and the associated religious community. I'm a queer-on-every-axis, plural weirdo from hippieville, living in a world where my main social contacts are fanfiction and porn writers, and people in the BDSM scene.

How can I miss my mother, when I literally cannot talk to her about anything in my life? I can talk about my toddler, I guess. That's...it. None of my triumphs, none of my struggles, none of the things that matter to me except "I gave birth to a kid" are things that she can accept without condemning as being of Satan. She doesn't even know I've published those books, because they're gay and have sex, so they're depraved and evil and she'd fret herself into a tizzy about my going to hell for writing them if I mentioned them. Because she loves me, though. Because she loves me is why she worries. So I can't just dismiss her as "some bigot".

She lives in a different world, and my attempts to bridge the gap have been met mostly with baffled confusion. She "loves the sinner and hates the sin", and she really does mean that, but she can't even understand the sin anyway, so what's the point in trying to explain it?

So yeah. I won't miss her when she's gone. How could I? We haven't been able to really connect since I was about nine. But it's still difficult all the same.

The other thing I'm struggling with lately is one of those things I can't mention to family. Aidan has been really, really, really dysphoric lately. The poor guy. I think part of it is we've got a friend who is transitioning, so all those things are being brought up a lot around us right now. But of course if we transitioned, instead of Aidan and Oni and Andrew having the wrong body, Serapha, Angel, and I would. So we'd go through a lot of trouble just to end up in the same place. It's totally unrealistic. And there are other factors, too.

But it hurts, sometimes, seeing other people get something that's impossible for you. So he's been extra in a funk lately. He was also stuck in front for like... I don't even know. A year, nearly, with just a few breaks? We had to actually do some rather drastic actions to finally get him unstuck. (This is probably triggering for some people, he essentially ended up committing ritualized suicide in the inner space, three times before it actually took, even. But that got him out of the front finally. I mean, even putting aside the nature of inner space actions, which are inherently unreal in certain ways, he's a vampire, so he wasn't quite actually trying to suicide, but it feels very close to that all the same. As I said, it took some rather drastic actions.) He's not fronting now, at least. He needed a break. But that really long time kinda added to the problem, because it felt more and more like he was just...himself, a trans man in the wrong body, not one of a whole group, variously wrong for the body, switching off.

Honestly, he fronts so often that if my own comfort were the only issue, I might consider it. I'm not sure I'd super mind a more masculine body, I'm not really wedded to femininity myself. But it's not the only issue, there are other things involved. (And, uh... I'm kinda vain about my hair, and I know we'd go bald on T. Runs in the family.)

So yeah. Depression, plural issues, family issues, the expected problems of raising a toddler, and also a lot of work struggles, plus some frustrations with the writing too and how slowly that's going anywhere and how much I really hate the part of the writing job that's not actually writing but is necessary to make money at it... It's been a rough year. It's been a rough several years, tbh. My life started going to shit in 2015. Funnily enough the last time my life completely fucked me over was in 2005. I guess once a decade I have to get dragged back down so I can't climb too far out of the pit of despair.

Sigh.

But that's what's going on with me. Not all bad, there's some good, but things are rough.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1495348.html.