March 19th, 2019


Ups and downs.

The last few days I'd been riding high. Life was mostly going really well, and having everyone be very positive and supportive about me going by Aidan now was great. I had some great sex even. :3

Yesterday crashed hard. Poor life choices, general circumstances, my brain being unable to stay happy for long, whatever. It was a miserable day in which I sat in and did nothing and then ended up getting drunk and just... Bleh. Unfun.

Today I have to get out of the house, at least. Got a million errands to run and it's my day off from having the goober, so hopefully it'll go a little better. Still kinda debating if I want to buy more of the strawberry cider I'm obsessed with while I'm out. I can, but after being an idiot with booze last night, it feels like maybe I should give that a few days, maybe? Wish I knew for sure how long it will stay available.

But I definitely need to go clothes shopping, get a haircut, mail a package, buy broccoli, and have lunch out somewhere. Curry again, maybe?

It's funny... I don't know. Huge changes happen, life still goes on the same as ever. I felt that way after getting married. I was married! And nothing actually changed? It felt so surreal for a long time.

This entry was originally posted at


I use that title a lot. Well, this journal is primarily for me to vent/bitch about things, so...

I don't shop for clothing often. I'm not a clothes horse, and my mother-in-law keeps giving me clothes, so as far as femme/neutral clothing goes, I have more than I could possibly need most of the time. Strictly masculine stuff I tend to buy online, or at secondhand stores, as I'm broke.

So I had actually kinda forgotten that gendered changing rooms are a thing in a lot of stores. (None of the thrift shops I've visited here have them.)

Then I walked to the changing room sign in Fred Meyer's with a pair of sweatpants in hand, saw the men's and women's signs and went "Well, fuck."

There's an attendant and everything, it's not like the thing I've sometimes done with bathrooms where it's actually very easy to just stroll into whichever when it's not busy because nobody will even lay eyes on you doing it. Nope, I have to specifically interact with a human being and go "one item for the men's" not even three full days after deciding to try to present as male in public spaces and not just in private/kink/alternative spaces.


I ended up entirely chickening out and just buying the pants without trying them on. They fit fine, they're sweatpants, the odds were very good they would. I know I'm going to have to face down going into the "wrong" room somewhere eventually, but today just wasn't that day.

Cis people have no idea how unfriendly and scary and awful these dumb, mundane, everyday things can be for trans people. I was thinking, as I left the house today, that I'm super glad I knew two of the places I was stopping at had "family style" restrooms so that I wouldn't have to worry about needing to explicitly gender myself just so I can pee, but I hadn't even thought about changing rooms.

There are a million, bajillion tiny little ways in which everything is wrong and uncomfortable and annoying when you're trans, and I am really not looking forward to those parts of trying to present male in public. Bleh. It makes me almost question if it's worth it.

It is, I think, but ugh.

Also they had jack squat for sports bras there. I'd wanted to get a flatter cup size one than the one I currently own, so that I'd have something for days when I don't want to be running around all booby, but don't feel like dealing with an actual binder. But the only ones they had were so flimsy I couldn't imagine them flattening anything at all. (Or giving any support either, for their intended cis wearers! Geez.) May try WalMart, they actually had a big sports bra selection last time I was there. I'm trying to avoid them these days, but I don't have a big budget for this stuff, so needs must.

This entry was originally posted at