March 22nd, 2019



Had what I'm pretty sure was an anxiety attack last night. A sourceless sense of impending doom that just slowly crept up, getting stronger and stronger until I felt like I might actually throw up from it. Got to sleep later than I should, and only with cuddles from my SO, which took the edge off of it a little. Sigh.

I did finally get an idea for the trans furry anthology thing to gel, and wrote about 2k words of that last night, though, so there's that. Going to have a date/playdate for the goober child today, too, so I have something to look forward to.

It sometimes feels that as I'm getting older, my brain is getting more broken, along with my body no longer bouncing back the way it used to. It's a scary feeling. I never used to have anxiety. Hell, I never used to have depression! I know in part that's because I spent my youth completely detached from the world, with almost no socialization or life outside of reading books almost literally every waking moment, I'd probably have wrestled with all this younger, just like I'd probably have had relationships and noticed my actual gender and sexuality younger, if I'd had opportunities to.

Still not a good feeling, though.

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The play date went pretty well. I was a little shocked, honestly. My goober child has not had a lot of social experience and she can be really fussy and touchy and wants things her way, and this other kid was also bossy and wanted things her way, but they sorted it all out surprisingly well.

Apparently my SO's "drinking with the boss after work" party is going well too, because he's still not home. :D

The trans furry story is mostly going well? 6k words now, but I feel like a.) it's probably too rambling and possibly also too info-dump-y, though I've tried to drop that into the natural flow as much as possible, but it's an 8k story set in a complicated setting that will be all new to the reader. I barely even brushed up against an entire third of the local galaxy in this thing! Anyway. Where was I? Oh right, rambling. :D

A.) rambling, and b.) possibly not enough "happens". It's extremely slice of life. A person arrives on a new planet that they are moving to. They meet a friend. The friend drives them to their new apartment. They unpack, and log into a virtual reality for a bit. We do not actually see them do anything there. Some time later they meet this friend for coffee, talk to a barista for a moment, and have a conversation with the friend.

That's the story, as far as "things that happen" go. The point is in the things that get said, of course. But still... I worry it'll be boring. I have this rich, fun, crazy transhuman galaxy setting with all kinds of wild possibilities, and I'm having people get coffee and chat.

I don't have the ROOM for them to have Space Adventures in between talking about gender, identity, and society, though. I'm going to run *hard* into the 8k limit, as I have one more scene I want to write and I've got less than 2k words left to do it in.

This is why I keep writing novellas! All the things I really want to say in stories, about relationships or identities or just human nature and people and the way we are, all end up being tucked in amid other things happening, and everything runs long to give that all room to breathe. It's a fine way to tell stories but it does not lend itself towards "short" at all! It's not the only way I tell stories, of course, the other "written to order" furry themed short with the Nazi-kicking was a different kind of story and was super-duper short, (villains introduced, innocent introduced, our hero introduced, all brought together and our hero kicking the shit out of the villains and then kissing the girl, all in 4k, considerably less than I've used to have somebody move house and drink a mocha this time around.)

I dunno. I think I may want to see if I can lasso in some pre-readers on this one. I don't always bother, but it's a subject near and dear to my heart, and I want to do it justice. Slice of life is fine, but I don't want to bore people to tears, I want them to feel just a tiny bit of what it's like to live that kind of life.

Maybe I will also try to come up with a second idea that is all Space Adventures that just happens to have a trans character. That is also good, really. Just nothing that feels specific to me? Anybody could write that.

But all that aside, today has been a fairly good day!

Now if only my wandering SO would get home so I can get cuddles.

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