April 30th, 2019


It's back!

That could refer to either my writing mojo, or my insomnia, since the last several nights I've done the thing where I lie in bed thinking way too much and can't sleep for about an hour.

They're both back for the same reason, I'm pretty sure, I finally managed to snag enough sleep that I'm not just collapsing in exhaustion the moment my head hits the pillow.

I'm still tired. I feel very ground down by the universe, but I finally have enough energy to at least think.

I have spent that energy writing the beginning of a fairly extended HFY story that will probably be a novella, and most of a shamelessly pornographic Chronicles of Amber fic. (Corwin/Eric. I'm just getting to the actual sex. Not much has happened, but I don't think one can write Corwin's POV without being ridiculously long-winded. The banging is going to be a bit of a hatefuck, but only a bit.)

It's a present for a friend, who writes heaps and heaps of very good Amber smut, mostly Benedict/Julian and her own OCs.

I'm really thrilled. I'm seeing her tomorrow and I hope I have it done by then.

To go back to the "It's back" above, though, I have this weird feeling that the insomniac hour is actually a necessary part of my writing process. I tend to think about stories and let characters and ideas and even specific lines of "writing" tumble around in my mind during that time. That used to be all I did, in fact. I never wrote them down, I just made the stories in my head, reviewing epic-length works of thought each night before adding a little more to my ideas about what would happen. I sometimes wish I'd written those childhood stories down, I'm sure they would be interesting now. I dug through a bunch of my old writing a few months back to find something for my mom, who's sentimental and wanted an old non-fiction bit about family I'd written when I was about twelve. It was interesting glancing at all those bits of old story that I did eventually start writing down.

At some point I should organize and type in and properly archive them so they're not lost.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1526020.html.

The progress of relationships

I think I've finished dumping The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (I can't call them the Mormons anymore, they've said that's not their word, and faithful, non-Satan-supporting members shouldn't call themselves Mormon. I'll keep the word if they don't want it. I am Mormon. I spent almost 40 years being Mormon, I'm never quite going to escape from that.) But Mormon or not, I dumped the church a couple of years back, and I'm not ever letting us get back together again.

It really does feel a lot like a breakup. It was super traumatic at first. I was very angry about things. (I am still angry about things, the edge has just come off a little. If it really is like an intense breakup, it will take about ten years before I've completely moved on. I suspect it will never quite reach a point where I don't care at all, though. I never dated anybody for 37 years, you know?)

But I'm at the point where I'm ready to "date again." I miss church. I miss the sense of community and the opportunities to do good in the world. I've had the thought repeatedly that if there was a real Goth scene where I live, I'd do that instead. There's a spot in Portland whose Sunday Goth-Industrial nights get called "church" and that's not a joke, it means something. In certain ways, goths are My People, and I feel very at home among them. Feeling at home is a big part of what I'm missing right now.

But where I am does not have that scene.


What it does have is a Unitarian Universalist community center. My husband was doing some IT work for them recently, which brought them back to my attention, and I happened to dive by the place today while getting frozen rats for the snakes, so I dropped in to check it out

I liked it.

In fact I ended up crying like an idiot in the church hallway reading a pamphlet. But it was just so... I don't know. Real. Human. Humble. Everything Mormonism is missing. Mormonism is authoritarian, top down, and absolutely certain of its own rightness and righteousness. This was... Well, look, the bit that made me cry was a FAQ-style answer to the question "Will you feel accepted here" that said "We hope that you find the answer to be yes", among some other things.

Not "Of course, everybody can come!" which is what a Mormon would tell you. (Forgive me, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Good gods the church is *insane* for abandoning their hold on "Mormon" as a label in favor of that clunker.) Mormonism is...thoughtless. That's the word for it. That's the way my family is, that's the way the church seems to be run. Everyone, from top to bottom, lives some or all of their lives in this tiny little bubble where everybody presents a similar face, and so they don't really understand that people are fundamentally different, and they don't really stop to think about a lot of things.

To a member of TCOJCOLDS, the answer that everyone is welcome is given thoughtlessly, without considering that just because you're allowed to be there doesn't mean you're really welcome, and just because you're really welcome doesn't mean you'll feel accepted.

And then the UU not only gets that, but also gets that people can decide for themselves where they fit in. Instead of Mormonism's attempted all-consuming missionary maw, that wants to suck in everyone however they can and spit them out all more or less conforming, Unitarianism just goes "Well, we hope you'll like it here."

It made me tear up. I'm so used to a church that's dictated from the top down, with a smug moral superiority. Seeing one that's run from the bottom up with an actual welcoming hand is just... Gods. I mean hell, they have a sub-organization specifically for transgender/gender variant ministers and pastors! Holy shit! They're not just going "Trans people can come" they're going "We're going to help trans people run some of this thing."

I really hope I like the local congregation.

I might not. Just because I like their philosophy doesn't mean I'll fit into their practice, you know? Knowing my local area, and where I've seen lawn signs I know know are UU ones (I noticed and liked them when I first saw them, it was nifty seeing them for sale on the church's site) I'm pretty sure the local group leans very hippie, new-age, pagan, etc. I can sometimes jive with that, but sometimes I can't, it depends a bit. The naive, "Moon Child Of The Benevolent All" types make me want to slap them upside the head, you know? I can't deal with somebody who can't recognize that the world we live in ain't a benevolent one.

But anyhow.

I'm going to give it a go, probably this Sunday. Hopefully it'll work out for me.

I miss church. I don't "need" a church any more than I "need" a romantic partner, but both can be really, really, really important to have, you know?

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1526480.html.