June 19th, 2019



When I've had relationships in the past, I've always categorized "things clicked" as being an intersection of sexual attraction and friendship-attraction. Relationships that were all about the hotness but I couldn't have a conversation were dropped quickly. Relationships where we could talk for hours but there was no sexual chemistry generally never even got off the ground in the first place, past friendship. But I guess there's more to it than that?

Because I'm seeing a fantastic lady, and we have smoking sexual chemistry and we can talk for hours and our kids get along and everything's great, and yet...?

She wanted to see me on Thursday. I initially agreed. We last saw each other on Saturday but it was for a kid's birthday party so we didn't really get either proper hangout time or sexy time. Once a week seems like a pretty good standard for people who are dating-while-busy, and so I said yes.

But yesterday, when I was sitting there with my lip numb and my whole face in pain after the dentist's visit I had (three fillings, ugh), and thinking about the rest of the week, it wasn't "I feel like shit, I'm so glad that I have something to look forward to on Thursday" it was "I feel like shit and oh god I have something else on the calendar, I don't want to leave the house, nooooooo."

That's kinda... WTF, my brain? You like this chick, you have great conversations for hours, the sex is amazing, why are you feeling her presence as a burden and not a relief? Thinking of taking Thursday off and going out with my husband doesn't sound like a burden, thinking of seeing my long-distance girlfriend on Thursday if she were here doesn't sound like a burden, (God, I wish. Distance, I hate you!) Why does seeing this girl sound like a burden? Yes I am an introvert, but usually getting close to somebody and developing chemistry with them starts to switch them from a drain to a neutral or even energizing thing? And that's not happening here, and I can't really formulate a reason why.

I haven't sent her any of my Inner Space stories, either.

I also can't formulate a reason why. She's a fellow writer, and we talk about words all the time. She knows about my headmates, and that I write stories about them/me/us. I'm not hiding this, and I've sent her all kinds of depraved porn so I know she wouldn't find the kink and sexual nature of many of them off-putting. And yet I don't want to send them?

I don't know.

It's weird, because everything's good, and yet there's just this distance I'm not bridging here, and I can't figure out why.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1535754.html.

In more positive thinking-about-my-thinking musings...

...I've been really enjoying the experience of putting my ponyfics up on AO3.

I'm doing it mostly because it started to bug me that a huge swathe of my fanfic wasn't represented properly there, so it's a kinda borderline-OCD desire for completeness and organization. I do wish I'd just done it as I went along, so they'd be in order, but for a long time the idea of posting things to resounding silence was just so unthinkable. It bothers me less now, for whatever reason.


I'm super-enjoying the trip down memory lane. Just scanning over the list of them isn't the same as going through them for formatting and being reminded of every chapter.

I'm even sometimes reading them after I've posted. (I can't be the only person here who likes reading their own stories after they're done, right?)

Some of them are definitely stronger than others (gods, I still kinda want to re-write The Red Dawn, it has so much good stuff in it but it's not good as an over-arching story, it needs to be at least twice as long and to really explore the shipping side, instead of just the trouble-shipping-a-sun-goddess-and-a-vampire thing that was why I wrote it, but really that one moment doesn't work properly when it's not fitted into a full development of their relationship? But I digress.

Visiting old works is just nice.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1536167.html.