May 7th, 2020

flamebusy

Does anybody like zooming?

I like things about zoom meetings. Zoom church, the lowest-effort zoom thing I do, because I only have to listen and it's more like watching a very nice youtube livestream, is good in that I don't have to put on pants and I don't have to get the goober dressed and ready, and I can like, make coffee during the meeting if I like, but that's about it.

I feel like trying to do video chat is inherently multi-tasking? Like "be in a zoom meeting" or "be on google duo" is a brain-use task already, even if a small one, so then adding "talk" or "listen and process" is adding a second task. I feel like I do when I'm trying to multi-task, at least, that bouncy, rapid-switch processing that's the best a human brain can do at doing two things at once, kind of feeling.

Also seeing myself in the little window is SO distracting! I'm constantly fiddling with making sure I'm in frame (I don't have a stand or tripod or anything, I just have the phone in my hand) constantly noticing my own motions when I touch my hair, constantly processing my own expression and wondering if it looks okay to everyone else, oh god my resting expression looks so weird, (I have resting worried face, rather than resting bitch face, which I've always known, but I'm not aware of it normally like I am when I'm seeing it!) man, my smile looks weird, and maybe I should tilt my head a bit, my hair is such muppet hair, it looks better at this angle, and wow, my collar is super obvious, it's amazing nobody ever brings it up, and...

Just this constant low-level stream of thoughts about how I'm presenting myself that's either not there at all or at least not constant normally. I might have a brief "geez, I touched my hair again, didn't I?" thought at an in person meeting, but it doesn't get much further than that for me.

Anyhow. This is all to say that even before you throw nine four year olds, one of whom I'm suppised to be making pay attention into the mix, zoom is hard! Goober had her "class" today and she was so not there for it. Then I had the UU trans support/small group meeting thing, which was lovely, but I feel entirely discombobulated the whole time and I know I'll be much, much, much more coherent in my contributions to the conversation when it's in person again! I'd say "may the day come soon" but I don't mean that. "May the day it's really and truly safe come at a reasonable time" is better, probably. :3 This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1599803.html.