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My entire studio smells like feet.

I hate repairing things, but repairing fursuit feet can be especially disgusting, because there's no amount of washing that will completely remove that scent.


I really, really, really, really am considering a "no, I don't repair it" policy. I know it sounds bad and will probably scare people off, but oh GOD I loathe doing repairs. Even putting side the foot reek, I don't even like repairing plushes, and they almost never stink.

I got into sewing to create. Fixing things that have broken has nothing to do with that, and I get zero joy out of it. And of course when I'm stressed and depressed and out of spoons, having a project schedule that's mostly repairs just makes me want to crawl under a blanket and never come out again. There's nothing to enthuse me there, just horrible drudgery.

But I guess it has to be done. Just gotta get through this one and I have two great creative projects to work on this month.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1554925.html.

Apparently I need to read more mpreg? Is this a thing? Or is this author just unexpectedly awesome in navigating roles and genders?

See, I am reading an Aziraphale mpreg fic (in which he has a vagina, huzzah. I think butt babies are both dumb and a little bit transphobic. Men can have vaginas, okay? That's a thing, it's okay.) and in this fic Crowley calls Aziraphale the baby's "mother" but still uses male pronouns for him, and just...I think I've died of relatable feels here.

I've had looks of incomprehension, I've had fights, I've had the "sigh, I won't even bother to explain" over this, and nobody ever, ever, ever seems to just get it. I'm a man, I'm male, I'm a guy, and I'm also my Goober's mother, not her father. That's just how it is. I carried her, I nursed her, I'm raising her, I have a maternal role.

I'm not saying that a man carrying a child has to feel maternal or be a mother. Everyone should get to define their own identity and roles.

But for fuck's sake, I get to define my identity and roles, and I am a mother, not a father, okay? That's what fits, that's how I feel, that's what I am. She has a father, it's not me.

It feels so exhausting, trying to explain this to people! At least most people out there at least have the concept of "transgender" to start from when I try to explain myself, but absolutely nobody seems to understand that it's still not binary, that being a man doesn't shove me into the stereotypically male gender box anymore than it does any given cis man. And (here's where I had a fight with somebody) feeling maternal doesn't mean I'm being "forced" into societal gender roles against my will. I tried feeling paternal about the kid, the closest I could come was "seahorse dad", and that's a male maternal role, really. I felt much more at home and at peace and less dysphoric about it all when I embraced "I'm a guy, I'm a mom" as my thing. That's me, that's what I want, nobody has forced it on me. I'm not required to reject societal norms and roles any more than I'm required to accept them!

But god, after all the struggles I've had getting this through anybody's head, to just have the exact same thing right there in a story that I didn't write is amazing!

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1554541.html.

Getting my shit together on Patreon
I finally have the Goober's school schedule for this fall, and while for some reason it's only two days, not three like I was told, it's also three hours a day, not two like her previous class. That doubles my amount of completely goober-free time, since previously I'd been getting just six hours a week. (The times when she's asleep before I am don't really count, but if they did, it'd be another 2 hours a day, roughly. Some days it doesn't happen, though.)

I'm hoping this means I can get more work done. Mostly my "real" work of sewing, but also some writing. I'm trying to get back on the ball for my Patrons. I've been releasing things over the summer, but in a pretty scattershot and disorganized way.

Today, though, I got back on track with the release of a new chapter of Blood and Fire, a fantasy M/M romance novel I've been publishing for the Patrons a chapter a month.

In the long, long ago I wrote a completely different thing called Blood and Fire, which this is technically a re-write of, but the old one was my two roleplaying characters romancing each other, and it was...not great. I mean, people have published worse, but still. I loved a few things about the overall plot structure, and a couple of specific moments, though, so I mercilessly raided it for the new, much better version.

I also am going to be releasing a bunch of the short stories I wrote intended for Amazon, when I was going to be an Amazon e-book author. People kept saying that if you write good smut, there's money there, but they lied. :P Or rather they massively underestimated the over-saturation of the market and the nigh-impossibility of a new author making any headway in it these days.

So if you like original fantasy erotica, mostly M/M but with occasional M/F/M, you should consider becoming a patron, because there will be lots more of it up there in the coming months. (If you visit that link, the banner art is the Blood and Fire characters, btw. <3 I didn't draw it, I commissioned it, but I adore it.)

And of course patrons always get early access to my fanfic. In fact my patrons on Discord got to request a short story last week, which I'm nearly done with, and they picked a Human/Pony second person smutfic as the topic. So that'll be up today or tomorrow, probably.

Speaking of fanfic, to get away from the sales pitch here, I'm having so much fun with Good Omens fics still. Although of course I've gotten several completely stuck and stalled. But I'm continuing to make progress with the Fallen Aziraphale thing. It's not going to be a smut fic, but I'm building a little sexual tension right now anyway, because these two, how could they not?

Also in progress:
A Vampire Hunter AU, where Aziraphale is a descendant of Van Helsing and Crowley is a vampire.
A thing titled "Pity I can't inhabit yours" in which turns out Aziraphale can, and does possess Crowley's body.
A het pairing thing (gasp!) where Crowley chose a female corporation right at the start, that actually isn't going to end up het at all, more genderqueer. I'm probably baiting somebody there, but oh well. :D
A little wallowing in misery bit with Crowley being deeply upset about the Spanish Inqusition and Aziraphale comforting him.
And maybe a smutfic about them swapping bodies, dunno, that one's a weak idea, but I wrote a couple of paragraphs.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1553705.html.

Sunday Six - In which Aziraphale and Crowley take part in the Lower Tadfield Pride March.
“You just need to get yourself a real man, sweetheart,” said the supposedly godly bigot. “You’d leave her like that,” he snapped his fingers, “if you’d ever had a real man between your legs.”

“Next time I meet a real man, I’ll consider it,” said the woman with a sneer.

The bigot was close now, within arm’s reach of the woman, but so was Aziraphale. The man began to draw back a fist, and Aziraphale got an angle to poke the bigot with his sign, interrupting his swing. The man rounded on Aziraphale, lips pulled back from his teeth, mouth opening to deliver some further vileness, then froze as his eyes met the no-longer-angel’s.

From a Fallen Aziraphale fic I'm in the middle of. I'm once again channeling my own feelings about religion into Zira's relationship with Heaven. It was supposed to be a simple wingfic about him molting into black feathers, but these things get away from me sometimes. Now it's an extended, slightly oddball slice-of-life thing, using the seven deadly sins as a framework, but with lots of queer feels.

In the following paragraph, Aziraphale puts the evil eye on this particular pleasant individual, of course.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1553550.html.

The Muse is real
I've heard people say that writer's block is a myth. I've heard people say that inspiration/the creative muse is a myth too. You just have to put in the work, they say. Stop waiting around for lightning to strike and just write. "Real" writers write every day like it's a job, so pretending there are these mythical things involved is just silly.

I think those people are full of baloney.

Writer's block is real and so is the muse.

The muse is just not strictly necessary to write, and "writer's block" doesn't strictly mean you can't write.

I've done it. Just pushed through the block and forced myself to write anyway. Hammered at the words until they appeared. It can be done.

The thing I've learned, though, is that doing it that way, that writing without the muse, is indeed work. Like a job kind of work. Uses up a ton of spoons, kind of work. It's draining and it takes energy and I have to push out and spend from myself to make it happen.

But the muse is real.

I remember last year, when I finally did NaNo, because lightning struck. The Muse was awake and interested at the same time the event was on, and I wrote my 50k in two weeks of frenzy. It wasn't even work. It was work to not write. The words demanded out and if I didn't get out of bed and type up the next scene bouncing around in my head I wouldn't be able to sleep! So I wrote like a fiend until the muse let me go half way through the event, and then I didn't finish the story, it's still kicking around, growing slowly, because the inspiration isn't there anymore. Odds are I won't be able to haul it out and finish it this year either. I've tried to do NaNo probably five or six times, and succeeded only once, because I can't afford the spoons to do it the other way.

Pretending that something people experience isn't real, just because it isn't part of a certain subset's everyday life is something that seems awfully common. (I could extrapolate that in so many ways!) But the creative muse absolutely is real. It's just that the naysayers are right in that waiting about for lightning to strike won't guarantee anything, it may never happen. (There are things one can do to feed the muse, but that's a whole 'nother post.)

I feel that means it's up to you, really. Treat it like a job, or just wait for it to be easy, there's no wrong answer here.

Me, I'm so fucking exhausted these days, it's definitely up to the muse to turn up. Doing it the other way will have to wait.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1552907.html.

Rough draft of Black Starfire is done.

There has been a little niggle of worry that starting posting before I'd finished the final scene was a bad idea and I'd jinxed it, and it wouldn't get done. I don't normally do that, because I HATE getting "but where is the rest?" comments. I know they're always meant as "I loved this so I want more!" but they read as "Write for me, slave! Feel guilt if you don't!"

But thankfully that won't be a worry this time. It's all done, I just need to do a little editing. Always open for anybody who wants to beta read for me, btw.

I'm off now to put the draft up for my patrons. Got a new one today, which also has me just over the moon. <3 Been so long since I added anybody, it's only been shrinking, so that's really nice.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1552769.html.

Gonna be one of those days.
Makes me want to go link the Weird Al song.

The goober managed to spill two cups of chocolate milk this morning. Both pure accident, the first was just one of those things, the second was a result, I suspect, of being so distressed still about the first that she didn't even notice I hadn't put the lid on the new cup and pulled it off as if it had a lid. Sigh. So I had to mop the floor before I could finish making my morning cup of coffee, and I think I should have re-boiled the water, because even though I was pretty quick, it must have been long enough for it to cool too much (it's supposed to be short of boiling, I was letting it cool while I made her milk, just not too much short of boiling) because my cup isn't as strong as usual. Tempts me to go make a second one...

But it's my day off today! So I get to dump the goober on her grandma and have some "me" time. I'm debating if I want to go to my fav. bar and get a cider, or if I want to just stay in and putter about.

Either way I'm hoping to get a few thousand words of writing out. The Good Omens story I'm working on right now is ticking along nicely.

I've started a new one. I still need to write the final scene of Black Starfire, but that'll come in time, I just need to get into the right mood for about an hour, it's nearly done. (The right mood being "horny" as it's a sex scene, and I really do write better sex when I'm craving it myself. I probably would have written it yesterday, except my husband rather took care of that mood for me first. He's so bad for my smut writing! :D I still won't complain.)

Anyway, the new one is me deciding that now that I've done the "Crowley was Raphael" trope it's time to tackle my next favorite Good Omens-specific trope, Aziraphale Falls. I didn't really feel like doing a painful, wallowing in angst fic, though. So I paradoxically set up a fic that's ten times as fluffy, by adding an extra mean-to-my-characters-thing in. See, what if angels and demons can't even touch? Or at least it hurts when they do? The pair touch in the show, but with only one exception they merely brush fingers while handing something over. What if that's part of what's fueling the fact that they say "friend" rather than "love" because what's the point in trying to be lovers (they might think) if you can't even touch?

But of course, when Aziraphale becomes a fallen angel, which is to say, a demon just like Crowley, they can touch at last. So even though there's a lot of angst and suffering, he comes around to liking it pretty damn fast. :D And then he realizes that he doesn't have to worry about sin anymore, and maybe it's time to cut loose just a little... (I mean, Aziraphale's idea of cutting loose is pretty tame, but I'm right now writing a bit where he basically puts the evil eye on a homophobic git, and it's pretty fun.)

Dunno when that will be done. It's not a single coherent through-line plot like I usually do, it's more a series of little "Oh, and this could happen!" moments, with Aziraphale managing to do all of the Seven Deadly Sins as a loose framework, but that kind of structure means I have no feel for how long it's going to be. It's 15k already, though. So pretty long!

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1552070.html.

I opened the window to post something, then got interrupted by the goober, and now I don't remember what it was.


Nothing interesting has happened today, unless you count actually managing to leave the house to go grocery shopping interesting, although I did post something to Patreon which I should have posted last week. (Oops?)

I am not the world's most organized person, and being be-goobered only makes it worse. Do you know how hard it is to remember things when you get constantly interrupted? Like, it's not even "just write them down so you remember them" I can't even remember to write them down because see this entire post, actually.

Post another chapter of Black Starfire, too. Just a short one. A longer one and two chapters of Spark to Light a Candle tomorrow, though! I have to say, re-reading that as I post it, that even as old as it is, I'm still proud of it. It's not perfect. But it's pretty dang good.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1551821.html.

Dear Good Omens Fanfic Writers,
Please stop writing God into your stories precisely the way you'd write a human character. If you're not writing God as at least slightly unknowable, at least a little beyond human, at least somewhat more in the know and less fallible than your angels, then you're doing it wrong.

I don't say that because I give a shit about blasphemy or because I think you can't write a God-character who's wrong. Pratchett wrote Small Gods entirely about a God-character who is deeply wrong about basically everything and it's one of my favorite stories ever.

I'm saying that the Good Omens Universe God, who doesn't play dice with the universe because She's playing a much more complicated game where She basically cheats is out of character the way you jackasses are writing Her.

She is the architect of the Ineffable Plan and She's meant to be inexplicable and confusing and yet somehow always kind of right about everything, and smug about that. Listen to the narration in the show. Read the book and remember that God is kinda the author(s). Pay fucking attention, and stop writing a weird woobie God who apologizes to Crowley for having made the wrong choice by casting him out of Heaven.

I am reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally tired of that one. Even more tired than of the "Crowley is Raphael and that makes him Gabriel's brother and the instant anybody says 'family' that heals the rift between them and makes Gabriel a-okay as a character and everybody just loves each other now." FUCK NO. If the archangels are Crowley's family, they are an abusive family, and it's actively disgusting to have them redeemed with nothing but "they're family!" as the reason. Ew. Ick. Ugh.

The only reason I don't hate that one more is that it doesn't seem to be super common, though it's commoner than I'd like if you're specifically looking for "Crowley is Raphael" fics. But even avoiding fics whose descriptions say they're about God, I'm still running into the woobie God thing a lot more than I can stand.

P.S. I actually am very down for a "redeem Gabriel" fic, but you have to actually do something about what a massive prick he's been, you can't just wave "family" over him and make everything a-okay.

This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1551384.html.

You know the thing...
...where you say "Oh, I know nobody will like this" but there's a little secret part of you that goes "but what if everybody does?"

Like, when it comes to weird-ass kinks, well, 50 Shades became a massive phenomenon. So why *not* my demon-binding kinkfic? Why not?

I mean, I know that no, it's not likely.

And yet every now and then something surprises me. Like the trans-adjacent Aziraphale-with-a-vag feels fic was one I was sure would go nowhere, but while it's not my top, it got a *ton* of positive attention.

So why not the demon binding kink fic? It's sweet. It's not super out there, kink-wise, it's mostly close to vanilla, just a little light pain play so far. Why not? I tell myself it won't do well, but the secret heart of me desperately hoped it will.

It didn't.


This entry was originally posted at https://bladespark.dreamwidth.org/1550638.html.